Tag: catnip

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Finest Kind Catnip

The secret process is over. This year’s catnip has been lovingly cured and handled by skilled human servants and blended in the age-old Solera methods that have been handed down since 1970. Our team of dedicated felines has tested the blend. Sabrina wound up a bit in the bag ( see above ), and Marcus declared it delicious.

A tabby cat sitting on a wooden floor, licking its lips, with a green toy nearby and a brown paper bag beside it.

The jury is in this year’s harvest has been declared PRIME!

We are proud to announce the special 2025 blend of Colonel Clancy’s Finest Kind Catnip – proudly labeled the Hotel California Blend

Available for cats only in nickel and dime baggies, wherever you make your “connection.”

Four bags of catnip blend labeled 'Colonel Clancy's Hotel California Blend' displayed on a festive tablecloth.

Colonel Clancy’s for discerning cats everywhere. The Hotel California Blend.

Colonel Clancy advises discretion in use. It packs a punch! Mweoooor!

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Spring Has Sprung!

Me: Look guys! The sanguinaria (bloodroot) and Spice bush are in flower. It’s Spring!

Marcus: Big deal!

Sabrina: Look Marcus the catnip is UP!!! It’s SPRING!!!!!!!

Max: I just wanna know when you’re gonna plant the dog nip!! This is soooo unfair! Spring? I wanna go in!

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Colonel Clancy’s Finest Kind Catnip Emporium

        Welcome to Colonel Clancy’s Finest Kind Catnip Emporium.

We are the compounders of Col. Clancy’s Eve of Destruction Blend, Grey Menace Special Reserve, and the more delicate Lost Weekend Catnip Blend. Our products are pure nip and nothing but the nip. Grown on the rocky soil of New England from the best native seed stocks, tended by dedicated human serfs, and inspected by cats who know what other cats want in a proper nip toot.

Yes, from that initial calm moment when you start playing scratch-and-bite rugby with the Christmas catnip toy until that final glassy-eyed “what the hell is going on” of intoxication, you know you are on a real “trip” with a Col. Clancy blend. You’ll be knitting up a storm on grandma’s afghan while the hoomans run from the wild cat on our stuff.*

Colonel Clancy’s was founded in 1969 by Clancy J. Bumps – AKA The Grey Menace. Only for serious nipsters, not for kitty cats. Always remember it’s the little things that create the big problems – a little bit goes a long way! Open by appointment only.

*Colonel Clancy will not be responsible for destroyed property, medical or veterinary expenses, or other calamities caused by improper use of our products. You’re on your own, Sucker!!

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Nip

Catnip…incomparable! It’s the perfect treat. No calories, not habit forming! I am in total control!

Ohhhh….

Sweet!

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Chateau Xenia – April Newsletter

Here at Chateau Xenia, work on the catnip plantation starts early. Delicate paw cultivation, constant supervision of the human “help,” and careful regular testing of the fresh buds are only part of bringing in a new vintage every year.

Chateau Xenia: Massachusetts Gold, Black Cat Supreme, and Col. Clancy’s Finest Kind Bastard Blend. Not just any store boughten nip. New England’s Finest Kind!

Available for discreet and discerning cats only. Accept no substitutes!

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Chateau Xenia Catnip, 2022

Xenia takes her duties as Catnip Queen of New England seriously. In the photo, she exhibits the poise and dedication all professional nippers should show while testing the new year’s crop. It’s fresh from the greenhouse where the new vintage has been resting and curing after the Harvest.

The next step is to mix with some of the prior years’ vintages to moderate the impact, soften the earth tones, and add fruitier after-effects. Chateau Xenia designer nip is known for being superior to typical commercial nips. It is the quality purveyor of fine nips to many of the finest nip dens in the United States.

Despite flabbergasted humans and dogs, Chateau Xenia is exclusively for cats. Only serious inquiries, Please.

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Toot of the Ages

Catnip. The toot of the ages. Drug of choice for all cats, little and great. Putting a few spoonfuls in a box transforms it into a playground that can occupy a cat for hours. Just no compromising photos, Please.

Want to see a cat croon, the kitty equivalent of a Gregorian chant on uppers? Nip in a box will do it.

Curious about where the swash came from in Swashbuckle? Leave a large paper bag with a bit of nip for an hour. You’ll see.

Are you interested in hearing the plaintive yowls of a cat having withdrawal symptoms? Take the nip away in mid-toot.

Cat nip, if it got humans high, it’d displace alcohol and most other recreational drugs. Think about a tooted teenager, high on nip, crashing the family car.

Imagine the three spoonful luncheon for the executive, who goes back to the office purring but incapable of work.

Worst of all, imagine the drunken nip parties of the celebrities, unable to stop at just one toke, falling asleep with their feet curled in the air. Snoring.

Be grateful that human science has not been able to transfer the “nip effect” to humans.

Cats have evolved an ability to tolerate large doses of the stuff. But, unfortunately, humans have not developed enough yet, perhaps in another hundred thousand years.

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The Harvest has come

It’s pure, all natural, and he tells me it’s only catnip. Safe for my enjoyment, he says. I insist on proof of origin. Which part of the garden was it harvested in? The shade of the woods or the bright sun of the vegetable garden. The sun grown is more robust, with earthy tones of vibrant growth. The shade grown is more subtle. It calls out to other taste buds – slightly fruity, with a slight aftertaste of oak and maple from the rich woodland border on which it is grown.

At Chateau Xenia, we harvest no catnip before it’s time…it’s so hard being an epitome of the refined taste.