Dr. Crystal’s Medicine Show

Years ago a couple of friends had a phony medicine show for entertainment purposes. It featured Dr. Crystal, the famed discoverer of the World-Renowned Dr.Crystal’s Elixir—Good for All that Ailes You. My friend Ray was a very convincing Dr. Crystal, and my friend Alex provided the musical accompaniment as the infamous Mister Banjo. Several young ladies of their acquaintance performed as dancing girls in 19th-century attire that revealed little or nothing. There were miraculous cures, testimonials, and, of course, sales hype for those needing the Famous Doctor Crystal’s Elixir – the miracle cure of the Pharoah’s Lost for Millenia, But Now!!!!!!!! Found by the diligence of the incredible Dr. Crystal!
Doctor Crystal smoothly glossed over the protests of critics in the audience, who were jealous of his miraculous achievements. That he achieved such wonder cures so easily meant that he deserved a trophy for Medical Benefactor of the Century! Those seeking to puncture the hot air-filled balloon of hype were competitors who had failed.

I was thinking about Dr. Crystal this morning. Yesterday, I was having twinges of arthritic pain in my instep. When that happens, it’s a sure sign of a change in the weather. But this morning, I hobbled around to get the circulation going, massaged the foot, and then started thinking about all the stuff at the local drugstore that promised me relief. The pills that had unfortunate side effects, the creams, lotions, and devices that heated and vibrated all made promises. Watch enough TV, and you’ll catch the dramatized professions of relief as the crippled rose, walked, and performed athletic feats once again. Yup, it reminded me of Dr. Crystal.

Over a century of modern medical progress, and we still advertise patent medicines pretty much the same way. Cue the dancing girls, Mr. Banjo, and the testimonials!