Just Plain Nasty

Because they are just plain nasty, have their own interests at heart, and mean you no good doesn’t mean that your villain is wrong about you. And no, I’m not talking just about fictional baddies. For me, the worst was a convivial nurse whom I dated and briefly lived with in the seventies. Even after she gave me an STD, I thought I loved her. ***

She was harebrained and a gaslighter, but as you heard it said, “love is blind.” During the relationship, she constantly critiqued my emotional maturity, ability to earn a living, and the value of my education.

Eventually, even though the whole thing was weird, I decided to go into therapy with a psychiatric social worker. I was at that point out of grad school and working in an operating room, because I couldn’t find a job in my field (anthropology). Luckily, the city I lived in had a great not-for-profit that offered counseling services on a sliding scale depending on your earnings. Eventually, I figured out that I was immature and had some problems with judging relationships.

Thanks to the therapy, I began to work out a whole lot of issues. Then one day she called me. At some point, the conversation devolved into a critique of my behavior. I stopped her, explained that it was her behavior that was at issue, and then broke the news to her that I was breaking up with her.

There was dead silence on the other end of the line, then a spurt of conversation in which she exclaimed, “No one breaks up with me, I break up with them!” To which I responded that I was not sorry to disappoint her expectations, but we were over.

About a year later, I was driving down the street and saw her exiting the liquor store. Following her about ten feet back was a young man weighed down by a case of beer and a heavy bag. From what I could see, she was delivering a lecture in a way that was all too familiar. I had left the operating room for a job that used my skills and education, but I still had contacts at the hospital at which we had both worked. Through contacts, I found out that she now had a very much younger boyfriend who jumped and danced to her tune. I was sorry for him.

So just because the villain, nemesis, or tormentor has a point doesn’t mean that they aren’t using it in a manipulative, self-serving, corrupt, and vicious way. As a matter of fact, seizing on a legitimate issue and twisting it is part of gaslighting you. Do you bear any responsibilities in this situation? Well, in my case, sure. I was no kid. I had been around the block more than once. But I was still taken in by what I perceived, not what was actually there. If you wind up in a situation like this, you’ll have to make your own determination. But remember, it still does not excuse their behavior.

So beware, ohhh, take care. The truth can be twisted and used against you.

***This a true story.