A Cat’s Take On The Bible

A few years past, I was sitting in front of the woodstove. My black cat, Smidgen, was sitting purring in my lap. Once in a while, it was her habit to correct my take on life by sharing feline wisdom tidbits, black double pawed cats specifically. The formula followed was usually a reminder that her Ancestors had been gods in Eygpt. She told me That her family was from the most excellent line of ships cats ever to have landed in Newburyport. After all, wasn’t she from Neptune St. in Joppa?After the preliminaries, Smidgen proceeded to knit with her claws on my legs, purr, and correct the bible lesson from Genesis that the kids had had at Sunday School.
“Genesis! Those stupid males had all the details wrong. Sure it was seven days, and yes, the Garden was lovely, but as they say, the devil is in the details…”
OK, Smidge, how did it happen?
“Well, just like the Bible says, God created the heavens, the world, and all the creatures on it in six days. At last, God decided to create people. At that point, God thought creation was through and sat down to take a well-earned rest. Just like the book says that was on the seventh day. There God sat on a lovely hill, below a lovely tree, looking out on the Garden of Eden, and was just thrilled at how good it was for a rush job. But, then God realized that something critical was missing. Adam and Eve were playing with Spot their dog, there were the beautiful trees, and drop-dead gorgeous mountains, but something was missing. So God sat there leaning against the beautiful tree, and meditated on what was missing. For several hours God thought, and then looked up and cried out “cats! I forgot”cats!” then God created cats, in her image of course, and looked out upon the world, and said that it was good. So on the seventh day, God did get to rest with a purring kitty on the lap, knowing that now the world was perfect.”

OK, Smidge, but what about Adam and Eve and the expulsion from the Garden. What about the Serpent?
Smidge sneered at me, no mean feat considering cats don’t don’t have proper lips to sneer with.
“Once again, you stupid two legs got it wrong. Catnip…it was all about catnip. God, being a superior being, had planted the Garden full of super-powerful nip. He forbade us, little guys, from sampling it. Being smart, and wanting to get blasted on Garden Gold, the senior cat approached Adam and Eve about cutting and curing us a secret supply. There was enough of that stuff to blast every cat into heaven a thousand times, and no one suspected that God would miss a little bit. The deal would have worked out fine except Spot, the little viper, went and told the boss. The boss was super peeved and found the curing shed with a couple of hundred bales down by the riverside. It got blasted with a lightning bolt. I tell you if cats could get high on burning nip we’d, we’d have stayed high for a few months. But no such luck, and soon we were all hightailing it out of the Garden with Spot running behind us; God’s not so fond of snitches either, so Spot got the boot too.”

Around that time, I woke up to a purring cat on my lap. “Smidge? Have you been telling silly stories again?” At first, she looked at me with a blank stare. Then she got up in a huff, insult showing in every movement. Down she jumped, hissed at me, and walked away with her tail held high.

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