Giving compliments can be tricky. Well-used compliments ease friction, build relationships, and add a bit of flavor to bland interactions. But less is sometimes more, and with certain people, a compliment is just the opener to a complaint.
When I was working as an applied anthropologist, I had a “colleague” who always started some work-related criticism with a compliment. Perhaps she was raised in a family with the oft-repeated rubric: “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” So Lucille would start out with something like, “That’s a nice tie you’re wearing today.” And then launch into a harsh litany of deficiencies she had found in your work. She would then sometimes finish off with another strange bit of complimentary idiocy. This was her unfailing formula of giving what she termed constructive criticism to a coworker.
One day, I wondered aloud to another coworker what would happen if we tried to turn her approach back on her. My coworker thought it over and suggested a twist. Taking turns, one of us would go to her office, compliment her, smile for a while, and then walk away. The next day, we put this plan into action. The first one, then the other, did this. Lucille always seemed to be waiting for us to say more, but we only smiled, said goodbye, and left.
We kept this up for several days. After about three days, the project supervisor breezed in to have some coffee with us. On parting, he asked us to please lay off Lucille. Smiling, he mentioned that the compliments were killing her. She was upset that we weren’t sharing project issues with her. It came to a head one day when she confronted me and, after the usual compliment, asked me what it was that I wasn’t telling her that was wrong. I smiled, complimented her on her new French nails, and hurried on to my field assignment.
Not long afterward, I switched jobs and never interacted with Lucille again. However, I learned that compliments can ease interactions or become weaponized. Compliments used to preface complaints are not compliments at all. Here’s some advice: the next time someone says, “John, this is great work, but…” and goes off on a three-paragraph litany of what’s wrong, tell them, to be honest – Cut To The Chase Ace!
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Why do some people think that is softening the blow? You just want to punch them, don’t you? Metaphorically speaking, of course.
forget about metaphor, Lois! Just punch!
I can relate to this. I love how you spark so much thought, Lou. But what I think you could improve is…. 😉
haha! So good, Crystal!
You and Lois are sooooo bad!
That’s funny. My friend’s developmentally disabled son who is — at first sight — a little off-putting has learned to break the ice with everyone with a compliment. “I like your tattoo. I have a tattoo” and he shows the snake emblazoned on this forearm. Or “Nice earrings” he’s probably also wearing earrings. Pretty soon the person and he are engaged in his version of a conversation. I learned a lot from him when I moved here and didn’t know anyone. Sounds like this person (not my friend’s son) went to some kind of workshop. He would never use a compliment as a preface to criticism.
Your friend’s son sounds like a very astute young man. His strategy is as a complimentary icebreaker, not a manipulative ploy.
Mark is solid gold as a human being.
Stupid management trick. Say something nice to get the other person off guard and from that point on you own the conversation. I thought it was stupid. Like that thing where you would talk softly so the other person has to lean in to hear you. I hate people. Who comes up with this stuff anyway?
The same folks who make up those stupid personality tests corporations love soooooo much!