Money!

Remember that song from years ago by the Bare Naked Ladies – If I Had a Million Dollars? Well, I bet it started lots of people musing, “What would I do if I had a cool million?” Of course, the answer is a lot of dumb stuff because most of us have never had a lot of money and might run into issues managing it. At least, that’s what I’ve heard from articles I’ve read on lottery winners.

So doing what I do best, imagine weird shit, I started planning for a future of great wealth. Please note I mentioned planning, not plans. Plans never survive contact with reality. Planning prepares us to face what comes. So, in my planning, I begin by figuring out how to disappear. Perhaps I’ll hide in Oshgosh and pretend to be a janitor. Why? To hide from all the fifth cousins who suddenly rediscover dear cousin Louis, “Lou, I just need a couple of thou for a hot deal!”

Then I’ll become impish and require all requests for aid be submitted in handwritten triplicate, in Classical Latin ( none of that debased Church Latin, mind you!), notarized, and sent certified mail, receipt required. Of course, I won’t be home. For those who persist in seeking me out, I’ll insist that at the audience, they play the William Tell overture using axillary sound effects alone. I’ll be sitting in my rocker reading the Wall Street Journal.

Well, so much for the weird shit. Having managed a budget for an entire Federal program, albeit small, I know exactly how fast a million dollars can disappear. So, I’ve decided that a tithe system will work best: a tenth to my favorite charities – animal shelters, a tenth to immediate family members ( luckily, we are a small family), and so on. Having had friends and almost friends who were con artists, I will not be accepting proposals to multiply the money, buy rare antiquities, or invest in ancient manuscripts. Donations to my Alma Maters will be in round sums, say a hundred dollars. My wardrobe of tattered long-sleeved T-shirts, grungy dock pants, and boat shoes will be upgraded – I’ll buy some new stuff at LL Bean.

I will return to coastal Maine and become even more crusty, irritable, and irascible than I already am. Life is good.