Geedunks

I’m careful of what I put in my mouth regarding snacks; normally. But when I was doing boat shows as a wood carver, I had a bad tendency to worship at the “geedunk” altar. I’d head off to whatever food concessioner was selling the saltiest, sweetest concoction and pig out. Don’t know what a geedunk is? Sorry, it’s sailor talk for snack food – candy bars, ice cream, or snack food. The sort of stuff that they tell you will rot your teeth.

Geedunks help fill up tedious days, watches, and shifts. Idly watching the waves roll by? Slip a geedunk from its wrapper and distract yourself with the chew and taste of something sweet, salty, nutty, and chocolate.

When totally bored, I had a friend who one day estimated the number of excess calories needed for the typical chief petty officer to acquire that roll of fat and belly that automatically said “Chief.” He calculated the mean decline in work completed with each increase in rank. Then, predicated on someone else now doing the work, he calculated the median increase in waist size per rating. Then, through some complicated “bar-top” Calculus, he did a multivariate analysis of how much geedunk the chief would have to consume daily to maintain that authoritarian heft.
By then, we had lost track of the bar tab until the waitress brought notification that we were shut off for being too noisy, eating too many free bar snacks, and having a hefty bill that needed payment now.

In any case, this is what ran through my mind at boat shows when I found some irresistible geedunk that I couldn’t resist. And judging from the waistlines of the other “chiefs” in line, I was not the only one.