Inch by Inch

Fear can rob you of your talents inch by inch if you let it get hold of you. Worse is when you are so gripped by fear that you do nothing rather than risk the certain calamity waiting for you outside. My mother was frequently seized with this sort of paralyzing fear. And by my mid-thirties, I realized that watching her gripped in it had not inoculated me against it. It had seeded me with the terrible potential to wind up like her.

My reaction was to force myself out of the house, even if I had nowhere to go. Visit a friend, go for long walks, engage in lengthy phone conversations, play the guitar, or do anything but allow it to grip me in stasis.

I kept quiet about this and didn’t share it with friends. Wes had his oddities. Hopping on a number ten bus and riding to the end of the line and back? Only the bus driver might care, and then only that I deposited the token in the fare box. It was effective. It broke the hold that the stasis had on me. I returned home to the song I was working on, practicing the riff on guitar, or reading the text I had to finish by Monday.

I avoided reading popular literature on the subject. Why? Charlatans abounded. I also avoided the medical profession. I was still years away from a valuable therapeutic relationship with a counselor, but I had watched friends medicated into blissful idiocy. Being that I had substance abuse problems already, I was wary of acquiring more.

Do something!

So, you ask, what do you advise? If I could inscribe a small banner on linen to wave about, it would say, “Don’t just stand there! Do something!”

Now I have to be clear, this does not mean do something self destructive. Don’t go out and get snookered, get a handful of pills, or race around dangerously. Find something distracting, and preferably creative, that allows you to shift your attention outward.

Have I found the bulletproof answer? No. The long New England winters feed on me. I am constantly listing things, preferably creative things, that I can be about in January and February. As I write this, it is June, and I am busy with summer activities. But I am also prepping for engagement with the enemy. Beside my desk it a post it note full of jotted prescriptions that I’ll use in winter.

Be Prepared.