As told to Lou Carreras by Smidgen Carreras*, Imperatrix Mundi.Originally written about 1998.
A few years ago, I was sitting in front of the woodstove with my black cat Smidgen purring in my lap. Every once in a while, Smidgen would correct my take on life. She’d share bits of the wisdom of cats, black double-pawed cats specifically. The formula followed was usually a reminder that her Ancestors had been gods in Egypt. And her family was from the finest line of ship cats ever to have landed in Newburyport. After all, wasn’t she from Neptune Street in Joppa?
After the preliminaries, and I was pretty sleepy to start with, Smidgen proceeded to knit with her claws on my legs, purr, and correct the bible lesson from Genesis that the kids had had at Sunday School.
Genesis – it ain’t necessarily so!
“Genesis! Those stupid white males had all the details wrong. Sure, it was seven days. Yes, the Garden was lovely. But as they say, the devil is in the details…”
OK Smidge how did it happen?
“ Well, just like the Bible says, God created the heavens, the world, and all the creatures on it in six days. At last, she decided to create people. You do understand, don’t you, that SHE was a cat, right?
At that point, she thought she was through. She sat down to take a well-earned rest…just like the book says on the seventh day. There she sat on a lovely hill, below a gorgeous catnip tree. She was looking out on the Garden of Eden. She was just thrilled at how good it was for a rush job. But then he realized that something critical was missing. Adam and Eve were playing with Spot, their dog. There were the beautiful trees and drop-dead gorgeous mountains. But something was missing. So God sat there leaning against the beautiful tree and meditated on what was missing. For several hours, she thought, and then she looked up and cried out, “Cats! I forgot cats!”
God Creates Cats!
Then God created cats, in her image, of course, and looked out upon the world, and said that it was good. So on the seventh day God got to rest with a purring kitty by his side. With the knowledge that now the world was perfect.”
Ok Smidge, but what about Adam and Eve and the expulsion from the Garden. What about the Serpent?
Smidge sneered at me, no mean feat considering cats don’t have proper lips to sneer with.
Expulsion From the Garden
“Once again, you stupid two legs got it wrong. There was no serpent! Catnip…it was all about catnip. God, being a superior cat, had planted the garden full of super potent catnip. She forbade us little guys from sampling it. Being smart and wanting to get blasted on Garden Gold, the senior cat, Fluffy, approached Adam and Eve about cutting and curing us a supply in secret. There was enough of that stuff to blast every cat into heaven a thousand times over, and no one suspected that God would miss a little bit.
The deal would have worked out fine except Spot, Adam and Eve’s stupid mutt, went and told God. The boss was super peeved. Sure enough, she found the curing shed with a couple of hundred bales down by the riverside. She blasted it with a lightning bolt, and I’ll tell you if cats could get high on burning nip, we’d have been stoned for a few months on that crop. But no such luck, and pretty soon we were all hightailing it out of the Garden with Spot running behind us. God’s not so fond of snitches either, so Spot got the boot too.”
About that time, it was time for bed, and Smidgen decided to continue her commentary on Genesis another evening.
Stay tuned!
- Smidgen was our cat following Clancy J Bumps, The Grey Menace. She lived to the ripe old age of 21 and brooked no sass from mere hoomins.
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I find the cat’s rendition a lot easier to believe.
so do I!
My cats told me a similar creation story which means it must be true. Here it is from a book they compiled years ago and forced me to publish for them, “Cats I’ve Known”
God Makes the First Cat
God made the world in just one week,
And every creature he made unique
He made the rabbit, horse and frog,
He made the loyal loving dog.
He made the fish, he made the spider,
A hippo to make the rivers wider.
He worked on butterflies and henns,
Then he sat down to think again.
“In all of my menagerie
There’s something missing. Let me see.
A world needs horses to pull plows,
A world needs chickens, dogs and cows.”
“But when the daily work is done,
A world must find some time for fun.
Some time to frolic and to play
Some time to sit in the sun all day.”
“Time to relax when work allows
I must make something to show them how!
Someone fluffy, someone funny,
But more intelligent than a bunny.”
God decided to make up cats,
To give them work, he made some rats.
When he was done, he picked one out
And started to throw the cat about!
The cat was cute, the cat was fluffy
But he didn’t like to be treated roughly.
The cat scratched God on the back of the hand,
And God said, “If you scratch a man,
“Like you scratched me,
You won’t be forgiven so easily.”
God watched the cat for signs of remorse,
But the cat didn’t feel remorse, of course.
The cat just cleaned his ears and hair
And ignored God as if He weren’t there.
“This will not do,” said God to the cat.
“You won’t succeed if you act like that!”
“You must learn to apologize
Or you won’t be fed and that won’t be nice!”
“Now, please, a penitent meow
and you can have a bowl of cat chow.”
The cat stood up and stretched one leg,
He absolutely refused to beg.
Well, God respects integrity,
In small animals you and me.
“You’re right,” sighed God, “I was too rough,
Don’t you think we’ve argued enough?”
God reached down and stroked the cat,
Behind his ears, and down his back.
He was rubbing his hand on the cat’s soft fur
When the cat began to purr.
“What a soft and soothing sound,”
Said tired old God as he sat down.
The cat curled up in God’s lap and stayed
And so God rested that seventh day.
Yup! True Religion! Thank God….
What Max? Right. Thank dog. 😉
The Dogs take! Hmmm…
Simple! Woof! We’re here! Let’s Go! Where’s my dish! I love you!