Go Terriers!

Surely, we can come up with new types of sports and teams for them that redefine the staid and, in my opinion, boring ones we have today. How many soccer, basketball, baseball, and football teams do we need? Every week, I hear a story about cities and towns being pestered to build huge sports complexes that swallow entire ecosystems and drain city finances. If the darn sports franchises are so damn lucrative, why can’t they pay their way? Illuminate that issue for me, please!

In any case, I’ve long thought there should be new sports, sports teams, and venues that cost less money. Hell, college students will guzzle beer competitively just for free beer. They already have T-shirts with the school names on them, what more do they need for uniforms?

When I attended Boston University, we trained regularly at the Dugout, a bar right across the street. I’m certain that today, enthusiastic undergrads and grad students are still willing and able to take on those dissipated sophonts across the Charles River at Harvard. Go, Terriers!

The advantages of this are numerous. The venues are for-profit institutions – there is no need for municipal support. We already know the team members will have keggers every weekend anyway, so why not take advantage of it?

But, you argue there are health consequences to all that drinking. Let’s not be naive. The health consequences of “heading” a soccer ball or concussion in football have been ignored till recently. And let’s face it: once a player fades away into post-contractual obscurity, the public seems to care little about the cognitive and physical decline that sets in. So let’s not pretend that the average sports fan truly cares for the players.

OK, as a sop to the bleeding hearts, we’ll throw in some post-graduate alcohol counseling and treatment benefits. Winning teams can be sent to dry out at spas, where they’ll imbibe alcohol-free tropical fruit drinks and eat healthy meals.

This is only one idea. I challenge you to come up with additional ones!