You may have heard the old saying that the best advice is no advice. Well, I frequently adhere to that adage. I’ll offer practical advice in the case of a practical matter; say you’re using a tool all wrong and it’s dangerous. I’ll also offer advice if asked. Sometimes I could conceal advice as a parable.
This works well because it’s me telling about my own, not someone else’s, foibles. Sometimes the story is worth its own price of admission, without any lecture. As most readers of this blog know, I spent enough of the first third or so of my life gallivanting, goofing, and generally doing idiocy. I just might have a valid word or two to add to a conversation about some activity.
With my own children, I tried to provide examples. The examples I provided not only included what I did right, but also stories of some of my more inglorious goofs. The tone in all of this was conversational. These examples were filtered for age appropriateness and sensitivity. [No, I never told them the one about the wild party at the Beacon Chambers Hotel in Boston…what are you curious about? I’ll do a blog post about it as soon as I know all the folks involved are safely in nursing homes and can’t sue!]
It’s hard sometimes to avoid a lecture when you just feel so adamant about something. I’ll admit that smoking, drinking, and drugs are topics on which I hold strong opinions, since I struggled so hard to get free of smoking and drinking. I was never a serious drug user, but I saw many of my friends have their lives impacted by them. Most of the time, with adults, I’ll only offer and share if seriously asked. Unsolicited, the best advice will fall on unhearing ears.
In my own family, we led by example. I quit smoking in 1981, and drinking in 1989. The final straw for me drinking was just after Thanksgiving Day. We were looking at some pictures we had just developed, and there was one of me playing with my then very young children. I knew I was, if not drunk, very intoxicated. I had already been cutting back, but the picture stopped me absolutely. Thereafter, the kids may have seen their mother with a glass of wine, and me with a non-alcoholic ginger beer.
I think that the example was much more powerful with my children than a talk or lecture could have been. So generally, if asked, I’ll offer; otherwise, you can just watch what I do.
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Now that is good advice!
There is one piece of advice I do give unsolicited, to expectant first-time parents, because I remember how anxious I was and I remember how strangers for some stupid reason feel it is their duty to tell parents how to raise their children, and I remember panicking about what was the right thing to do. I say to them, “Trust your own instincts. Do not worry about what other people say to you. If you feel that doing something with your child is right, then do it, and do not worry if someone else tells you it is wrong.”
Aa good perspective. However, I’ve run into so many with poor instincts…
Ha! Ha! My own mother was one of them. I’ve got some stories….
I gave some advice lately. It wasn’t taken well even though, in the subject, I’m very experienced and my concern was that she not hurt herself because stuff can happen no matter how skilled we are (hi cracked femur) so it’s better when we’re objectively vulnerable to minimize risks (she just got a THR). Afterward I thought about something my doc said, “People do what they do.” That is so true. I decided to return to following that, uh, advice.
Martha, sometimes you can’t win with giving advice. A lot depends on the receptivity of the receiver.
Absolutely. Not doing it any more. I’m taking your advice.
Ohhhhh Boy…..
Advice with an anecdote is perhaps the right thing to do; but true I agree with you advice should be given only when asked but even then I have noticed most of us, for that matter even I am guilty of this, just want to be heard than listen to solutions.
Your point about us just wantng to be heard is all too accurate very often for all of us!