Fear and FEAR

There is fear, and then there is FEAR. The two are related but different.

fear

In a way, I might fear losing my job. But I can buffer against that through behavior: I get good evaluations, match or exceed expectations, prudently save against the unplanned for, and keep my feelers out for the next stage in my economic future.

At this point in my life, I’ve pretty much seen it all: bosses hiring cousin Trudy and asking you to “train her,” the funding of a popular and successful program disappearing with a memo from Washington. And the recurring issue of being betrayed by someone who was an ally before the departmental reorganization.

Being prepared is not just a motto; it’s a necessity. Before the reinvention of Government by Billy Bob Clinton ( he’s not a favorite of mine), people wondered why I maxed out the retirement fund contributions. Yes, they were meant for retirement, but after the layoffs and the benefits ran out, we had to tap into the retirement to keep a healthcare program in front of the four kids. So be prepared, the universe is not all kindness.

So, in terms of simple fear there is recourse in preparedness, forethought, planning and simple fortitude.

FEAR

FEAR is different. It sucks at you because it’s something unavoidable, insurmountable, and just plain nasty. You also can’t bargain with it. This is something I have a much more checkered record with. I’ll turn a corner rather than face the big green monster hiding in the shadows down the dark corridor. One of them is called mortality, and all I can do is try to avoid it.

But that doesn’t mean that I haven’t dumped the burden of some FEARS. I’ve been successful in quitting drinking and smoking. Those two seemed to be linked to me like a ball and chain throughout much of my early adult life.

I no longer go crazy looking for lost packs of smokes, and a significant part of my budget is no longer spent in a store that sells liquor. Surprisingly, I haven’t had to overcome drugs. Despite lots of experimentation, I decided that I didn’t like the particular lack of control it burdened me with – one bullet avoided.

There are physical and psychological components to quitting each. There is not just chemical dependence; it is a dual hookup with the intimate parts of your mind. Some people just stop with terming these things habits. But habits that control so much of your life aren’t just a quirk like spending some spare income on an extra perk once in a while. They are preoccupations, and you can develop fear of doing without. Hell, not just fear of doing without actual withdrawal symptoms.

And there are consequences to quitting. With cigarettes, there was a first wife who found my first four attempts to be personally threatening. Fresh packs with just one smoke poking out were left where I could find them. Accusations of selfishness were made, and much smoke was blown in my face. A few years later, after a divorce, therapy and about five more attempts to quit I got clear (1981).

Drinking was not similar, but a lot of prep work was done for giving up smoking, which was preparatory to quitting. I had matured emotionally. And one day I quit. The worst part? The friends I had to avoid. It was surprising how many social events involved drinks. Hey, you don’t have a drink, can I get you one? As in smoking, some people in your social network may not be supportive of your departure from their party.

I list these two things as capital letter fears because they are so difficult to overcome. But I can talk about them because with fortitude, help from friends, and yes, in my case, prayer, you can win free. They are tough, but within an individual’s scope to conquer.

However, don’t ask me to walk down the dark corridor where the real FEAR monsters lurk that we can’t do anything about. I’m a fighter, but there are limits.